Haggis Chips and Witchery

The amazing experiences from my trip to Scotland

Oct 27, 2023

Monuments to dead writers are big. Here I am in front of one of them.

I have visited Edinburgh once before, but only for three days. My friend Tania and I tacked it on to the end of a two-week London excursion, and it gave me enough of a taste for the town that when my friend Christina suggested a vacation, I suggested Edinburgh.

If you read my newsletter last week, you already know that the travel to and from Scotland sucked scotch eggs. So now, let me regale you with the parts of the story that are wonderful and fun and weird.

First, accommodations. We booked hotel rooms that were central to the New Town of Edinburgh, and most of those are apartments that have been converted to hotel spaces. The first one, called No. 32, was nice enough, but we realized that elevators are not a big thing in these old buildings. It may be that the structures are historical and can’t be altered, but whatever the reason, hauling luggage up or down a set of stairs is challenging, even with wheels. Another two places we stayed in were similar in makeup; one, called The Place, was marvelously, simply easy to find and check into, and had a receptionist and a lovely bar we did not visit. It was actually a block from the bus station, so when we came back from our 3-day Highland excursion to the Isle of Skye, we stumbled a few steps and were home. I’ll talk more about Skye in a bit, but the last place we stayed, the ridiculously named Royal Princes Suites, was the nightmare hotel from the Shining without the elevator and with not even a dead bartender to help us.

The Royal Princes Suites is unstaffed. You need a code to get in, which we did get, and we successfully entered the building. Our room was room 9, which we kind of thought, being in the single digits, would be on the ground floor. Oh, how wrong we were.

Only two rooms were on the ground floor, 1 and 2. There were five stories to this building. There are ten total suites. Where was number 9, our room? On the top floor. With no elevator, and no one to help us haul our stuff upstairs. (I know, I probably sound like a whiny Karen. But this kind of info should be disclosed when you book a place. I’m not ancient and I’m in reasonably good health but pulling a heavy suitcase up five flights of steps is not easy for anyone, really.) Add to this the fact that the interior designer of this place chose a gray-and-white striped carpet for the stairs. It was like trying to walk on one of those optical illusion pictures. The last flight of steps was a narrow spiral with no rail. I literally crawled up that last flight.

Okay, so enough of the negative. Other than some weird accommodation quirks like mini-sinks and lights that don’t work unless you put your key card in a slot near the door (that you can’t see because the lights are not on), everything was clean and fine. Let’s move on to other, more pleasant topics.

People in Scotland, at least the ones I met, were ridiculously nice and friendly. When my friend Christina bought a hairy cow hand muffler (picture below) she drew not a few smiles from passersby. One delivery man made a nice comment and laughed, and as she looked at him to respond, she went headfirst over a concrete bollard and faceplanted. Not funny at all (okay, but we were both laughing hysterically after we realized she was okay). At least six people ran over to help her up and to see if she was okay.

Christina and the Hairy Coo that saved her noggin.

We asked all three of our Uber drivers about Edinburgh and if it were safe at night. They all said, “yeah, you can walk down any street at any time and you’re fine, guaranteed.” And it felt true. We were walking at night down perfectly clean streets, and other people were walking too, unafraid, not even thinking about someone having a gun or engaging in a knife fight. I realized that in America, I always have a program running in the back of my mind, sussing out possible crazies and people who might have weapons. I have to say, the Scottish way is much nicer and less stressful. Whenever we asked for directions, people spoke to us and in one case, a man walked us several blocks out of his way to our street.

The age of the city, and of all the villages, is breathtaking. Coming from a country that is only 200-plus years old (I’m talking about the United States, acknowledging that there were people here before this country existed), the sense of history is a bit overwhelming. We got to visit Dunvegan Castle, where a family still lives in the third story. They’ve had it in their family for 800 years. They’ve had 27 guys named Norman who were the chief of the clan (and clan is not the same there as it is here, and not spelled with a ‘K’). I got to walk in the Birnam Wood, the same one where Shakespeare walked when envisioning Macbeth. I stood in a bothy (a stone shack for campers to shelter in if the rain gets too bad) where J.M. Barrie thought up Tinkerbell after seeing a dragonfly.

J.M. Barrie sat in this bothy and was inspired to think up Tinkerbell when he saw a dragonfly.

Waterfall as seen from the window the the bothy.

On the Highland tour, our fantastic guide told us stories as we drove through the countryside toward the Isle of Skye. I did a one-day tour the last time I was in Scotland, and absolutely loved it. (Highland Explorer Tours is the name of the company.) We heard about all the various clan clashes and battles and full-on wars. It made me think about how we, as humans, don’t ever seem to learn much from armed conflict. Somebody wins and somebody doesn’t, and everyone loses human life in the skirmishes. At least we don’t draw and quarter anybody today.

Eilean Donan castle, absolutely magical in the mist.

This trip was a three-day excursion, and it was well worth it, although it meant my lost luggage couldn’t find me for the first five days of being in Scotland. It’s ridiculously hard to purchase underwear on the road, I found. United Airlines did tell me I could buy things while my luggage was missing, and I really tried, but we didn’t stop anywhere for very long, so it was challenging. From the bus we saw majestic castles and monuments to dead heroes, heard tales of Kelpies and witch trials, drove past a castle that has served as a set for Game of Thrones, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Outlander, and several other entertainment franchises.

We also got to ride on the Jacobite steam train, the one they use for the external shots of the Hogwarts Express. It was pretty cool, and buzzing through several quaint train stations reminded me of all the British murder mysteries where villagers in a tiny town seem to get killed every week and you wonder who’s still left to run the town.

You may remember if you read my last newsletter that I left my antidepressant medication behind, not intentionally. This resulted in several days of dizziness and a type of vertigo. That meant that hiking up ancient stone stairs and muddy paths was a bit treacherous, but when I got teetery my friend grabbed me by the arm as if I were her old granny, and we did fine. I only nearly barfed when I smelled a bag of haggis chips, which smelled to me like Corn Nuts and Old Socks.

I have never seen a place as green as Scotland, not even the Emerald Isle. We arrived between epic floods, apparently. The week prior had seen road closures and cancellations of events, but our days were mostly sunny with a few spatters of rain. One of our stops on the bus tour took us to a cliffside near Kilt Rock, and the winds were so ferocious I looked like one of the CNN hurricane reporters getting knocked off kilter by a stray 100-mph wind gust.

Our bus drove past countless forests, rivers, waterfalls. I learned that they name their mountains in degrees; the Munros are the tallest, at 3,000 plus feet. People who climb them are called Munro baggers, and there are 282 Munros in the country. Then there are Grahams and Corbetts and Donalds too, all of varying heights. There are a lot of mountains in Scotland. Lots of green valleys, called Glens, and wondrous cascading waterfalls. Not much urban blight or abandoned cars in the Highlands, or at least I didn’t see any.

Me (in a shirt borrowed from Christina) in front of one of the bazillions of breathtaking mountain ranges and fields of the Highlands.

The country is very forward thinking on the ecology too. They use hydroelectric dams and wind energy and are working on being carbon neutral by 2045. From the power of the cascading rivers, I can see why they have an edge on everybody else. They have all the wind and water you could ask for…not much sun, so solar is probably not as efficient. Their commitment to the environment is impressive, and inspiring. We hardly ever encountered any plastic container or utensils; everything disposable was made of compostable paper or bamboo.

There’s also an abundance of open space, where anyone can camp without fees or permits. This is called the Right to Roam and it applies to most open natural space in Scotland, although I don’t think you can just go camp in someone’s yard. I didn’t try it. The Scots are also known for their tempers.

Whiskey is another thing Scots are known for. Obviously. Scotch is the name, and the Scots have cleverly cornered the game for the really good stuff. As champagne can only be called champagne if the grapes were grown in that region of France, Scotch can only be called Scotch if it was distilled in Scotland. Otherwise, you can have Canadian whiskey or Kentucky Bourbon or whatever. But the real deal it the Scotch, so of course we sampled as much as we could.

One of our scheduled events was a whiskey tasting with a side of folklore. This took place at a venue called The Hot Toddy. If you were a Scotch-Irish kid, your parents maybe gave you one of those drinks when you had a cold. It’s hot water, sugar, and a touch of whiskey. My parents didn’t use it much, but when they did, I loved how it put me straight to sleep despite my many ear infections and sinus problems and chest colds. Anyway, we were a bit late getting to the Hot Toddy because many of the streets in Edinburgh are winding and dark and confusing. There are closes and mews and alleys and other little side streets between buildings, and no street signs on corners as we are used to. The signs are there, but they are plastered to the sides of buildings, so it’s easy to miss them. And streets will change names seemingly at random. We got a bit lost, but eventually after asking more of those friendly Scots about where it might be, we found it.

There were four whiskeys on the menu that evening. A young man named Ben was our guide, and he was a storyteller and connoisseur. He explained why each whiskey we tried was different from another, explained how whiskey is made and the rules surrounding making it in Scotland. Like cannabis in California, it’s taxed way above what seems decent. But like weed, it’s a moneymaker.

Ben, our trusted guide through the world of whiskies at the Hot Toddy.

Christina was not a whiskey fan, but found one that she really liked, so she purchased a bottle. She got another bottle for a friend back home, and when she asked the shopkeeper if she could take the bottle on the plane, she was told she could. However, when we got to security in Edinburgh to get our flight back home, the guards said nope. You can’t take it on the plane. So, the guards got two bottles of whiskey on her, and I hope they enjoyed them. I lost some awesome shampoo, but that didn’t sting as much as losing the whiskey.

There are so many amazing things that I saw and did, no room to write about them all, so I will bullet point some of the best:

- We hiked up to Edinburgh Castle but didn’t tour it. The view from there was astounding and seeing the structure that has stood for so many centuries again made me realize that our country is basically a snot-nosed middle schooler.

- The Royal Mile is the road leading from the castle, and anything you buy on the Royal Mile will cost about ten dollars more than elsewhere.

Edinburgh Castle and the view down the Royal Mile. And Deacon Brodie’s pub, a story you should definitely look up.

- Scotland has a Stone of Destiny upon which all its kings were crowned. The Stone was sent to England for the coronation of King Charles, but it was put under a more cushy throne. The English asses are more delicate, our guide told us. The Scots sat right on the stone.

- There is an art museum that amazed me. First, it was free. You could give a donation if you were able, but money is not a reason to exclude people from seeing the fantastic exhibits. I saw art by dozens of fantastic artists I’d never heard of, even though I have studied art history. Female artists especially caught my eye, and in reading the info, I found that the Glasgow art school encouraged women to join. Therefore, there are dozens of pieces of art made by women (the Glasgow Girls) that echo the styles of some of the most famous French impressionists and Pre-Raphaelite painters. I especially loved Phoebe Anna Traquair.

One of the many paintings by Phoebe Anna Traquair. Sorry my photo isn’t great.

- We saw a crazy flock of crows that were black and white.

The Isle of Skye is lovely and the people are incredibly nice. They still tried to get us to eat haggis.

The food was so much better than our food. Europe has much higher standards for food than we do.
We ate at a restaurant called The Witchery, which was absolutely gorgeous and had the most delicious mushroom soup and pumpkin risotto I’ve ever had.
The sign for The Witchery. You have to make reservations pretty far in advance. I’m drinking a Chambord and Champagne cocktail. DEEElish.